I know the precise day according to an adoption agreement I have kept for decades. I wonder whether something that fortune teller said had really led me to a better life or not. However, I have tried to bury the past, but it claws its way out by haunting and disturbing me in different ways. I became what I am mostly due to the truth that even though I had met two original families, but I hadn't experienced the deep love from them. I have been considering myself as an emotional failure about family. Yes, I wish I hadn't been born with such a regret like this and if I could be rid of it I would.
Looking back now, I have been strengthening the confusion about the riddles between blood relation and destiny since Leo was diagnosed as an AS in 2007. And I really can not tell nature from nurture. It doesn't hurt when I share my story about being an adopted daughter and an outsider, but it does hurt when I describe that my son has no feelings with his family.
How is Leo doing now with his studies and life? He has been in his clinical level of depression since March, 2007. So far he still takes sleeping pills and antidepressants and sees the doctor by himself monthly. In his spare time, he is a typical mouse potato and hopelessly kills his time by playing games online. He realizes that he has lost the passion about studies and has been searching for nothing desperately.
He goes to school by biking every day but can get good grades no more. To make matters worse, he insists on keeping away from any connecting with family. He uses ATM to get the money he needs, and I treat him as an odd roommate. We seldom talk to each other for he has announced to me many times about his obstinate refusal of care.
Anyway, no news is good news.
It was about 10:30 pm. I was writing to you while I was waiting for some files from Shanghai to complete my proposal about an exhibition case yesterday. Minutes before, I said : "no news is good news", one hour later, something happened and I couldn't sleep all night long thought I had taken pills three times.
Yes, I was disturbed to hear bad news from Leo. He talked me that most courses in department of philosophy had driven him into a deeper depression degree and he is planning to transfer to department of psychology. I promised him I will go to his school to solve his problem next day. He replied it would feel suicidal sooner or later if…